worthless

Laying on my side in the bed, with the comforter pulled up to my head, like usual, I had my left hand up to my right shoulder and I dug my nails into my arm and drug them down two to three inches. I did this over and over again until I finally felt like …

Do what makes you happy

The glow of the TV softly lit the room. The subtle sounds of conversation in the show were so low you had to work to hear them. That’s when it hit me. In the darkness, actual darkness began to swallow me whole. I can’t even tell you the exchange Kevin and I had because it …

Checked Out

I have this sneaking suspicion that I have a problem, well another problem, and by sneaking suspicion I mean I know. I listen, but I don’t hear. I am not purposefully ignoring, but doing my best to intently listen. Kevin and I had a conversation today. I mostly looked at him as a way to …

Feeling all mixed up inside

I sat with my head in my hands, letting out deep sighs, reflecting on the chaos that has been life. Reflecting on the chaos that has been “normal” for me. I had stood in front of Kevin earlier, mustering the courage to tell him that the way he had spoken to me earlier didn’t help …

Not okay

Morning after morning I woke up wanting to go right back to bed, arguing sleeping all day was the right choice, the solution to a problem I wasn’t ready to admit I had. I spent day after day with Kevin asking me if I was okay, telling me I looked upset for my reply to …

Yellow Scissors

Kevin walked into the kitchen to find me staring at our kitchen scissors, intently focused on them. I was focused on putting them back together and he was worried I was contemplating hurting myself.  That night we went to bed and I closed my eyes hoping to drift off to sleep. But my mind wandered …

COVID-19 Check-In

I haven't known really how to talk about COVID-19. I haven't known how to talk about it because I have been anxious, depressed and mad all at the same time. I have been trying to get a grip on my emotions and I have held back from posting so I didn't lash out... Until now, …

Is it okay to be this sad?

I had just spent the last 40 or so minutes upstairs sobbing when I walked up to Kevin and asked him, "is it okay to be this sad?" Earlier I had walked in the door from the gym, Hair pulled back. Sweaty. Smelly. Gross. Kevin was sitting on the couch in front of me, he …

The crazy girlfriend

Henry referred to me as the crazy girlfriend early on in our relationship. I can still remember the moment. It was a March afternoon and we were in my light blue Sunfire. My car was parked in the circle outside of his house, I was dropping him off from some adventure we had just been …

I can’t remember

I can't even begin to describe the feeling. The feeling when someone asks you how your day was and you have no recollection of what happened. The feeling when you are talking to someone and they have to tell you what you just said because you have no idea. The feeling of not remembering more …