Gym Diary – Entry Four

I was glad that I had a shower after the gym. Not only because it allowed me to wash the horrid smell of success off me, but because it gave me time to clear my head, let my mind wonder, settle things in my head. Shampoo. Conditioner. Shaved legs. Clean armpits. My mind was free …

I was just trying to make an appointment

The combination of poor lighting and gloomy day made my office dark. My desk sat in the corner of the darkness with the soft white glow illuminating from my laptop. Soft music played in the background, while a series of non-work related papers cluttered my desk. I had pushed aside scheduling my next psychiatrist appointment …

Hi, I am uncomfortable with my weight.

I have had this internal struggle for a while now where I didn’t know if I wanted to write about my weight and my hopeful journey to weight loss. On the bright side it would hold me accountable and on the downside the entire internet would know - those who actually care is a much …

Deserving Love

I sat on the couch in my tiger onsie. Kevin, on the other side of the couch, looked at me and asked if I was okay. Sheepishly I said yes. My answer was not convincing at all, it hadn't even convinced me. He asked again . "I just don't feel good... I haven't all weekend," …

A Letter

You have been on my mind lately. It could be the sprained ankle or the fact that I saw you deleted me on Facebook. Maybe it is both. I’ve thought of writing you many times, sending it and expecting nothing back. I’ve thought about telling you how much you hurt me and how sad I …

Medication is like magic

Medication is like magic. It is amazing the difference it is being on medication and being off medication. I couldn't sleep. My mind wouldn't stop racing. I couldn't get comfortable. I was scared of waking up Kevin, who was in a slumber on the other side of the bed. I wished that could be me. …

29 & 30

When I turned 29 last year I was in a dark place and was honestly surprised I was alive. I wrote this: I made it to 29.A strange accomplishment, success.As a girl, daydreams of being a stunt double swirled through my headLife was a series of laughter and daring moments.I'm still aliveNever jumping off buildings,But …

I Lied.

It was the company holiday Christmas party and I chose to wear my ugly Christmas sweater dress. It was the only dress out of the handful of few still kinda fit that made me smile when I looked at my reflection. It was silly, it was "on brand," it was bold. So I wore it. …

Disengaged from life

I sat in group feeling like I was fumbling over my words and didn't make much sense. I was trying to explain how I felt/feel and could not seem to find the right words. Then it dawned on me - Disengaged. That is what I am - disengaged from life. I can feel myself retracting …

Comeback year

The alarm rang, for the second time, at 5:30 am. I had spent the last week off of work and begrudgingly pushed myself up for this one day at work before another day of sleeping in. Things seemed fine. My anxiety level was lower than it usually is, a sign that this new medication might …