Saying it has been a hard week would be an understatement, it’s been a harder week with even worse moments.
Moments when I knew things would be better with out me, or at the very least Kevin would.
Moments that I planned out where I would go and stay when I left.
Moments I figured out when I would pack my bag and leave the house.
Moments I wasn’t comfortable looking into the future, when forever felt like heartache and pain.
Moments I wondered if I was supposed to drift off the road and not attempt to recover.
Moments I wondered if it all would be better off if I weren’t here.
Everything thing has been a baseline shoulder shrug. Life has it’s distracting moments, but I feel like I am operating just above a flat line. I’ve yelled, I’ve cried and I’ve done my best to keep it tucked away from everyone, because everyone has got to be tired of hearing about this by now.
But, I set out to not be ashamed of this. To be real and raw with my journey. I haven’t been.
Instead I’ve been riding this kiddie coaster, complete with small hills, trying to figure out my “new normal.” I’ve abandoned my healthy coping and nearly eliminated my self care; as a result I’ve jumped on a roller coaster with a giant drop I wasn’t ready for – realizing the low I’ve managed to allow myself to hit.