Sometimes, there are moments when everything feels okay. It seems brighter and clearer. The moments are nice, they reconfirm that I am on the right track. But, on the other hand they feel like torture.

The moments of anxietyself-doubt, and depression following them feel amplified in comparison to the fleeting moment of “okay.” It feels like failure, steps backwards. They tarnish the moments of light.

It is the inability to balance my own expectations. Something inside of me says things need to be either good or terrible. I need to feel meh or horrible. The need and desire to feel 100% or be considered a complete failure… If I could accept that being okay is a step in the right direction or even simply being okay is just that; then maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. If I could accept that no one emotion of feeling is meant to last forever.

For a brief moment there will be clarity, a clarify I am still incapable of enjoying or celebrating for what it is. In IOP we talked about striving for perfection and beating ourselves up when we fail to meet it. When the fog clears from the day, no matter how brief the moments, I should really work on accepting it. Embracing the distance I have come in this journey, taking pride in all that I have done.

 

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